Rubber Heart

So the last time I saw him we decided to trade bracelets because we didn't know the next time we would see each other.

Shitty deal for me lol would you like to know the bracelets we exchanged?

The one that I was wearing: One of those nice "livestrong" type ones but it was for my college
The one that he was wearing: A rubber band.

Hahahaha I know such a lame trade but when I was missing him I was sooo happy to have that dorky rubber band.

Welp I woke up this morning and was walking to school when my wrist started stinging...I got a fricken rash because all my bracelets were tangled in that damn rubber band and were rubbing all night :(

It's gone now but it did make me laugh. It's kinda like how bad he is for me...He is hurting me but I keep him around...I'll push him away until the pain of wanting him overcomes the pain of knowing we will never be officially together
aka I wore the rubber band on my other hand until the rash went away

...then I put it back

Not looking ahead

So I live about a mile away from school and my bike got stolen :(

I am always able to snag a ride home...except today I had a study group so I couldn't!

As I am leaving campus I update my facebook status to something like "I'm walking home alone, in the dark and I'm scared :("

Three minutes later he calls me :)

He tells me he will keep me company bc I am scared.

I know we can never be.
I just told him I'm going to Europe
He told me by the time I get back he will be gone

But for now I'm okay with whatever this is.

It's kinda like when kids catch fireflies in jars

They are so happy when they do because they've watched and wanted one for so long.

Some try to hold on too long to it
Others know it cannot and should not last so when the time comes they let it go.

Holding onto it for too long will kill it
In the jar...it cannot survive

Didn't want to lose the friendship...smart move or not?

You guys ever watched the music video for "We found love" by Rihanna?

It is epic just FYI but that's not why I am posting.

In the very beginning when there is a voice talking she says,
"...Sometimes you almost wish you could have all that bad stuff back so you can get the good..."

(I think I paraphrased a bit but you can look it up)
Yes well I know that feeling WAY too well right now.
Annnd I did go ahead and welcome all the bad stuff back...along with the good.

But you know what? I think I did it because this guy truly is one of my best friends and I wanted to text him and talk to him like I would my best friend but I couldn't...so I think that is a contributing factor to my shit-show-of-a-situation.

The friend-zone is real btw.

Friendship > love....but if this friendship comes with unrequited love is it worth it?

I vote yes :/





for now...

Thank You Kate Vogel

Who doesn't love finding a song that fits her mood or situation perfectly? :)




"Forever And Almost Always"

So the story goes on down
The less traveled road
It's a variation on
The one I was told
And although it's not the same
It's awful close, yeah

In an ordinary fairy tale land
There's a promise of a perfect happy end
And I imagine having just short of that
Is better than nothing

So you'll be mine
Forever and almost always
And I'll be fine
Just love me when you can
And I'll wait patiently
I'll wake up every day
Just hoping that you still care

In the corner of my mind I know too well
Oh that surely even I deserve the best
But instead of leaving
I just put the issue to bed
And outta my head

Oh and just when I believe
You've changed for good
Well you go and prove me wrong
Just like I knew you would

When I run out of second chances
You give me that look
And you're off the hook

Because you're mine
Forever and almost always
And I'm fine
Just love me when you can
And I'll wait patiently
I'll wake up every day
Just hoping that you still care

Oh, what am I still doing here?
Oh, it's all becoming so clear

You'll be mine
Forever and almost always
It ain't right to just love me when you can
Oh I won't wait patiently
Or wake up everyday
Just hoping that you'll still care

Forever and almost always
No it ain't right
To just love me when you can, baby
Ain't gonna wait patiently
I won't wake up everyday
Just hoping that you still care

I was ment to tread the water...but now I've gotten in too deep

Thank you to everyone who has commented about finding someone new and moving on...you all are too right :)

Something totally random happened today and honestly once I type it out it will probably sound very verrrrry dumb but I am kinda procrastinating studying right now so I am going to go ahead and do it lol

I have this two-finger ring that my friend gave me and it is very VERY snug, like a size or two small haha but I love it so I am wearing it

I took it off while I was flipping through my book and when I put it back on while I walked to the bathroom it got stuck (lol like REALLY STUCK)

It doesn't help that I got this ring the last time I saw the guy I've been posting about so whenever I look at it I see him...

But while I was tugging at it to come off I start thinking it is like him hold on me, as much as I do not want it on me IT WON'T COME OFF!! I had a tiny silent freak-out while I tried to pull it off but it was like literally cemented to my finger!

I finish my business (lol sorry just part of the story) and I go to wash my hands and the ring slides off like it was 3 sizes too big :)

This made me smile because no matter how hopeless I feel and like I will never get someone off my mind or something off my finger...it will come off easier than expected

When I find someone better

or water :)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok I came back to edit this post because I started fooling around with the ring again and got it stuck...but had no water...so yanking it off took WAAAY longer and was VERY painful...

Same as letting go of him.
Since I have no one else (water) it will be harder to let him go and more painful but I have to do it to protect myself from further harm
(my finger was losing feeling!!)

I SWEAR I am not some pscho haha everyone facebook creeps!

Sorry that my last like 3 or 4 posts have been super heartbroken and depressing...

I swear a brighter post is coming!

But I just decided to share this because none of you followers know me annnd I am kinda embarrassed to say this lol

The fucker that I am falling for who is engaged...I just totally facebook creeped the shit outta both of them and found her myspace (ya myspace hella old right I know but her facebook was private obvs)

After being totally loser-ish and looking up on her I (and I am saying this as modestly as possible) am better looking than her.

HOLD UP: just to clarify I never think of myself as pretty. I just always think I am a tad below average but nothing gross..most days haha

And I feel bad about this because it means I am saying that she isn't pretty but I really am not trying to tear her down...

I have been tearing myself down for the past month thinking she was better than me at everything which was why he was with her and I was his backup plan...

Just knowing (in my opinion) that I have something over her is nice.
It may just help me sleep better at night while knowing he's thinking of her not me...

Don't waste your time waiting one someone who wouldn't wait for you...

It figures...it's rainy and stormy and all everyone wants to do is stay inside snuggle up in a big blanket and watch movies...

aka cuddling weather...

aka both my besties have an invite places to go...and I have...a list of sad songs playing on my computer and possibly a movie...

There is one movie that I think will match my mood pretty well but I haven't seen it yet.

I'll post the trailer and maybe you guys will get a better grasp on how much I dislike the guy I love....
Except for the no flirting rule...
And the part about the guy loving me back lol
But the last line about her making him decent and him making her SO happy...pretty much sums it all up.

ugh, WHY CAN'T I LISTEN TO MYSELF?

Let go of Mr. Wrong so Mr. Right can find you...even if Mr. Wrong is Mr. Right for someone else

I envy the people in this video. They knew what their mistake was and when they went back to change it the other person excitedly accepted them.

While watching it I was feeling the same way as the first girl, walking away from the man I love...but the difference was when she turned back around for him, they could be together.

I CANNOT be with my guy. That's why I walked away...I don't know why I keep walking back :(

And another thing...I am sure these people in the video were nice people...
He can't be a nice guy...
...to do what he has been doing to me...and his fiance.

Rock & a Hard Place

Hi...so last night (or day)there was a punk marathon from 3pm till 1am...we got a day-fade going and went...

You know who texts me and I give him attitude for pretty much no reason other than I am mad myself for liking him so damn much...

Hopefully I scared him off and he won't come back, which is what I WANT but am NEVER able to actually make happen because of my feelings for him...

If he does end up coming back after the attitude I gave him then I may have even an bigger problem...I might like him more :(

FML

Ooops I did it again...and again

Edward 40's hands + trouble maker texting me = Yeaaaa....oops

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Can't stay away :(

Why is it when I write things down in this blog I can really see them... And when I go back out into the situation I can't anymore!! If you read a few back you will see I finally got out of a bad relationship...had my head on straight and knew what I was doing... Yea, about that. Just to be fair, HE opened the lines of communication again. And I ONLY responded because he sounded really down. (smart guy right) I did however agree to hanging out with him...yet I find myself hopeful that "something" happens when we do. WOW REALLY IDIOT? Why would I want that? Why would I want to be with a guy who I see declare his love for his fiance' over facebook?! why why whyyyy! He is selfish! I am weak!....But he is the only guy that makes me feel the way he does...like I am special (which I obviously am not) and like he really likes me when in reality he already does the same thing to another girl a million miles away. Why do I sit up thinking how things would be different if I had met him first, if he and her broke up, down the line if they got divorced? I am pathetic...I did not give in when he told me he had no where to spend Thanksgiving...I felt like shit because I am a sucker for the holidays and people who have no one...but c'mon I can't explain that one to my friends and even if I could why would I want to spend a holiday with someone who will never again spend it with me. I want to be mad at him but I can't. I want to be mad at me but I keep agreeing to see him. I know that this will lead to a heartbroken post later on down the road but I guess that's good for you readers right? :) Shit, I could really use a wish right now.

Pandora is keeping me Sane #8pagepaper

I am procrastinating writing my 8 page paper. Actually I am on page 6 so I guess it's not procrastination...I'll call it a break :) Sorry, I know that all my procrastination posts are really lame and random so I promise I will write another better one tonight! I just ate a tuna quesadilla...so goood! Ps. Have you ever put Tapitio on popcorn? Yea TRY IT....actually Tapitio on anything is bomb But now I have tuna breath :)

Happy McHappy

At first I was gonna write about this guy I've been seeing lately...
But then I realized that I haven't heard from him since he dropped me off yesterday morning (which is not that long ago I am aware don't think I don't).
So I decided to write on how happy I am with the way my life is.

but then my phone vibrated..

So now I am sitting here wondering if he texted me or if it is someone else.

Why am I not just looking?

Because for once I am going to make a conscious decision about my relationships. I am going to decide if I WANT him to call/text me before I see if he DID

Only because having a guy not call is never fun. Even when you don't want to see him again it still hurts a little because there was something wrong with ME instead of just HIM. lol

Anyhoo dating someone because you are bored is never right...but sometimes doing things bc you are bored is how new favorite hobbies are found hahahaha

Always having great days...

So I got back from last night (or this morning)at 4:00am

I Woke up at 7:00am to do some community service :)

Went to sleep again at 10am (planning on sleeping the day away)

Get woken up two hours later to my friends who TELL me this:
#1 I am NOT hungover
#2 I want to wake up
#3 I am going on a hike with them..a hike that is over 1,000 steps INCLINE

after a few "fuck no's" and "Leave me alone's" I get dressed.

The hike was fucking hard as usual but all in all a GREEEAT DAY

Saw a lot of different beautiful places and ate some great food and got to hang out with some friends I LOVE

So moral of the story:
When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade

(wow that saying actually works very well in this instance! I totally did not start out planning on having a moral of the story I swear haha)

A much needed night out

After turning down friends all week I am FINALLY FREE TO GO OUT!!

lol it sounds like I was grounded....I wasn't I just needed to study..bleh let's not think about that

Going to a bar for a friend's suprise party then who knows!! The night is young!

It's 730pm!!

I'll be here allllll night folks

I have a FAT test tomorrow.

My teacher is a retard that copy pasts from other journals and reads it to us...aka knows nothing.

I keep getting distracted.

I just did a 25 slide powerpoint.

All nighter? I think YES :(

If you aren't 1st string don't stay with him. You deserve to be starting not sitting on the bench...

The dude who cheated on his girlfriend with me texted me today...

Why is the right guy such the wrong one?

I could tell something was wrong and since I can't stand to see someone sad without helping (fucking psychology major) I asked...

Him and his gf--excuse me-- his FIANCE' are having problems...trust problems.

WOW BRO.

How can this douschbag make me feel so special? Like I can completely be myself and I know he has no judgement towards me.

FUCK I was okay with letting him go, and I just let him right back in.

YES PLEASEeeee

Fun Times

I just had a LAZY DAY

Rented 4 movies from RedBox and watched them all
One Funny One
One (Shitty) Serious One
One Romantic one <3
One SCARY AS SHIT one haha

Of course we did this after turning my living room into a theater (we put sheets over the windows)

We ate popcorn and spaghetti and junk food

We danced to crazy techno music complete with a satin sheet being thrown in the air

We had fun

:)

On To The Next

I said my next post would be happy lol which is probably why it took a few doys for me to write :)
After uploading many cute/fun pictures of me to facebook (inadvertently making 'him' see what he is missing out on haha) I am over it all....YEP took me a total of about 4 days and I am over him---see I told you it wasn't serious :p

Anyways I just made plans for Sunday afternoon with this new guy so we will see where they go. He seems nice...enough.

Lol Oh the joys of being young and unattached...no but honestly I don't see me and this new fella ever working out but you never knoooow now do ya

Timing Sucks, and I hate the saying "Its not ment to be."

What do normal people do when they are feeling a particular (usually some variation of depressed) emotion???

Yep, they google quotes that define that particular feeling...
It helps because you know at one time or another someone (who has a nice way with words) felt the exact same way you are feeling....sometimes it helps because the quites show you a different perspective or are insightful enough to make you feel different...better even.

What happens when two different quotes fit me tonight:( try and guess who I finally broke it off with...

The quotes are:
"Sometimes the hardest things and the right things are the same."

"It's better to live your life with 'Oh Wells' than 'What Ifs'."



No picture today, I'm posting from the phone, sorry bout it

Never take it seriously. If you never take it seriously, you never get hurt. If you never get hurt, you always have fun.

At first I didn't like this video. I thought it was about love on acid...but now I like it A LOT.

Time to Fess up :(

Okay loyal readers...I am about to admit to something that I am 100% ashamed of and I know that you will judge me (I would judge me too if I were not in this situation) but at the same time I hope maybe you see my thought process--though wrong-- was really really fucked up...that didn't make sense but oh well here it goes...

I met this guy, lets call him STEVE and Steve and I hit it off. The next time we hung out there was alcoholic beverages involved and thus me and Steve ended up having a nice lil make-out session.
The next time Steve and I met up we went back to my place (NO NOT TO DO THAT) and we just talked...and damn he was a real cool dude...until he asked, "Do you remember me telling you that I have a girlfriend?"
UMM WHAT? NO NO STEVE I DO NOT!
At the time we were holding hands and semi-cuddling so I broke that off and said basically nothing was ever going to happen between us...
Steve then goes on to explain that they have only been dating for 4 months and she is in a state on the east coast, while we are on the west most state...He tries to keep things going but I just try to limit any physical contact but keep talking because there really is no reason to kick this guy out of my house if I am enjoying his company as a friend.
Well time goes by and Steve is texting me and I am really starting to like him but I know it is wrong. But then again I find myself fucking justifying my feelings which was stupid of me. I started saying:
-It's only been 4 months they were together and shes not here
-If he doesn't cheat with me he will with someone else
-I enjoy hanging with him even without any romantic feelings involved
-I"M NOT THE ONE IN A RELATIONSHIP
Ugh I know...I am a failure. but still I go on...
We hang out again and this time I do not tell Steve where I am going, but my friend is friends with his friend so they both end up with us. I don't mind but at the same time I make it clear to him I will not be with him. Every time I mention his gf or the situation he says things like "Now why you gotta go bring her up?" or "There you go again bringing up he gf." Eventually I give in to this dude because he was so exhausting to fight and I yes I will say it, I was too weak to hold me ground :(

We spend the night together but DID NOT HAVE SEX so there was one good thing from that...I mean other things happened but at least that one didn't.
That morning my roommate tells him that shes gonna add him on facebook so she does.

Later on that week I get nosey and look at his profile through hers...he is talking about marrying this chick!! Ugh I feel like an idiot because I convinced myself if wasn't serious.
A few days later the relationship status goes to ENGAGED and I quit texting this fool back...
But he won't stop.
Now I'm trapped, do I try and keep this guy as a friend bc he is a cool friend, or just dump the whole situation....yea I shoulda picked the 2nd option :(

But I don't...I am distant but still responding...and later on we meet up

And yea...the dirty deed was done

FUCK I AM SO DUMB

It's not like I am gonna stand up at his wedding and object...but for some reason ths guy got me doing things I never do!

But after it happened he looks kinda shaken up and leaves very quickly...so I am thinking maybe he grew a conscious and think that it won't happen again

Then he doesn't text me for a while...and his facebook status' are all about the devil tempting him and shit... wtf ever I don't care I'm over him

then he calls me and gets me back in again... he tells me that he is worried I am going to stop hanging out with him. He says that he know's he isn't the best looking guy and he would understand if I was done with him...
NO I FEEL TERRIBLE wtf I was totally fine with our "affair shit" being done but now he tells me he is scared that I am too good for him and is worried I won't talk to him anymore

WELL SHIT. I fucking go and reassure him...

But now I am re-reading shit shit-show of a story I just explained for you all and I realize what a MORON I was...I am done with him.
But I feel bad because he was so worried that I was gonna end it...but shit why am I feeling bad when I am the one who is legit single! :(

....Speaking of Steve, the fucker just texted me...I hafta tell him sooner or later...I hafta lose a friend :(
If he's not gonna do what's right I am before things get deeper
:( I hate hurting people's feelings if I care about them though :(((((

Here goes nothing

---NEXT POST WILL BE HAPPIER I SWEAR HAHA---