I am sitting here in the Emergency Room ER...

And there is only one person I want to talk to about it...

#learning the hard way that I love him

(Its for my grandma)

Let me apologize for the mini-sabatical I've been on.

Once I got off the plane at home I pretty much took a break from everyone NOT my family or friends from high school.

I guess you could say I am going back to my roots...trying to find out who I am...who I like better the old me or the crazy me.

I deleted my facebook which is normally my preceeding website to this blog which is why I havent posted in a bit...well that and I dont need anyone from my old life reading about this one...

They wouldn't recognize me.

Soooo I am sittin at the airport now.....with 2 hours to kill...the genius that I am doesn't have a book and isn't hungry and doesn't want to give up my prime seat so I am listening to music.

You know what happens when you listen to music for too long?? You start getting reminded of things by songs...too bad 90% of songs are love songs...

What did I get reminded of?
The fact that when I get on this plane everything will be over. He will go back to his fiance (who doesn't have to hold back her feelings for him) and he will get reminded of how much better than me she is.
I never expected anything from him but I also thought I wouldn't get hurt because I wasn't some dumb girl.

When I first started having feelings for him and ended it I should have left it alone...

He wanted to see me before I left but I wouldn't let him...I know I did the right thing.

I know when we both get back things will be different and I'm okay with that.
I just wish these sad songs would stop playing.



(sorry no picture today, I'm at an airport gimme a break! Lol)

HOLY FINALS WEEK

Not sure how many of you are starting finals week but I know I am,

So here is one hot man for you to stare at as you contemplate setting fire to your notes and tearing your brain out

:) Happy studying for all you students

:) Happy Hot Man for all you non-students

win-win haha

Breaking the Cycle

Before you read this scroll down and read the previous post
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No seriously go read it-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok tell me how THAT situation I just posted about did a complete 180 and now I'm left feeling ...pathetic.....nothing has happened really but this conversation went from hard to great to hopeful to awful (awful for only me).

hate him hate him hate him

lol SHESH when will I ever learn!

I need to smack myself in the face and say "figure your shit out PLEASE!"

I can't imagine how annoying this is for those of you reading all of my posts because I keep posting the same shit
1. love him
2. need to leave him
3. hate him
4. repeat from top

:(

Hardest Night....

At this VERY moment I am burying my feelings for him deep DEEP down inside and ending things.

I can't describe the feeling this is though, which sucks because in a blog you hafta do just that...so I will try.

This may be a dorky analogy but you remember in the movie Mean Girls when Regina's friend talks about how she got some white gold hoop earrings for her birthday and she had to pretend like she didn't like them because Regina told her that hoops were 'her thing?'

Lol well it's kinda like that but worse because I know I am pretending not to be in love with him because I MADE THE MISTAKE. I am not doing it because of some Queen Bee stupid peer pressure reason...I'm doing it because I was the idiot who fell in love with someone who was engaged.

I am doing it because--even though I have not been acting like it lately--I am a good person.

So with each text we exchange he get's the point more and more...and I feel more and more like I am pushing away the only man who has ever cared about me.

The hope for a better "Mr. Right" isn't enough to make me do this, but the promise of "making things right" and following my morals should be enough.

Wish me luck, because he's a fighter and I know if he fights for us long enough......no, no I can't afford to think that way
:(

Got a Case of Love Bipolar

You know that song HOT 'N COLD by Katie Perry?

I am definitely guilty of being that right now lol

But I feel justified because I am not really supposed to be in a relationship with this guy in the first place soooo I think it is just my conscious trying to make things right...when I go cold.

But when I go hot, damn I have some bad thoughts...some homewrecking thoughts and I HATE thinking that way!

It sucks that as of right now I am so afraid of going Hot again that I cannot even respond to his texts...idk what I'm gonna do when our date rolls around :(

Every time I try to stay cold in person he fricken melts me!

Grrr...

except I hope I don't get hot too late when we both are home for the holidays :( that would be ROUGH.

Switch'n it up real quick

Just taking a break from my normal drama to share a good find :)





It sounds like a COMPLETELY different song!...well not really but to listen to Nicki Minaj I have to be in like a certain mood. My blood pressure rises because it is such a fast paced (semi-angry sounding) song!

But this one I can chill out too and actually listen to the story-line :)

Not saying which one is better but I definitely am enjoying this one right meow :)

Sorry bout it honey

If a guy doesn't text/call you for a two weeks and finally does so saying he is in Alaska would you:

A) say "Hey Cool! How is it over there?"

B) say "F*#@ you asshole! You never called!"

C) ask "Why'd you take so long to call?"

D) Make small talk like you are busy and when the conversation allows just stop responding

*Welp I choose option D because I WAIT FOR NO ONE!!




except that one other guy haha but we won't go into that now :)

That little bugga

It's so weird how I can be perfectly happy and content then BAM it hits me that I wanna talk to him...

I am keeping my distance but at the same time I think, should I get closer so he learns to love me and leaves her...or keep myself away and safe...

It's like the little devil and angel on my shoulder

So far the devil has won and the angel is winning

Doesn't make sense right...

And I hate that I want Devil to win this one...

Not looking forward to explaining...

I swear it felt like every conversation I had today centered around cheating...

Ok Ok just two but still that is two conversations where I had to keep quiet and agree :/

The first one was with my sister and the second was with two friends...

My sister was telling me how this guy kept hitting on her who had a gf AND who had gotten with her really good friend...

My teammates were saying how once they hear a guy has a gf they stop talking to him...and how guys try to talk to them when they have bf

Ummhumnum...I don't know if this is a "special situation" or if my head is too far up my ass...at least I'm not the one cheating right?
right?
no still wrong...

Well either way my friends are about to see him around a lot more...and despite me firm refutes that we are just friends...I know they will know better

:/



I have a lot of really close friends and my sisters. I know most of them wouldn't judge me because they know the kind of person I am but I can't even tell any of them :(
I am too shamed

fuck lol Who invented the concept of fate anyways? Because our timing sucked but it feels so easy and so right...UGH UGH

time to turn my brain off sorry if this post was confusing...my brain is confusing right now and I'm just tryin to do it justice haha

Rubber Heart

So the last time I saw him we decided to trade bracelets because we didn't know the next time we would see each other.

Shitty deal for me lol would you like to know the bracelets we exchanged?

The one that I was wearing: One of those nice "livestrong" type ones but it was for my college
The one that he was wearing: A rubber band.

Hahahaha I know such a lame trade but when I was missing him I was sooo happy to have that dorky rubber band.

Welp I woke up this morning and was walking to school when my wrist started stinging...I got a fricken rash because all my bracelets were tangled in that damn rubber band and were rubbing all night :(

It's gone now but it did make me laugh. It's kinda like how bad he is for me...He is hurting me but I keep him around...I'll push him away until the pain of wanting him overcomes the pain of knowing we will never be officially together
aka I wore the rubber band on my other hand until the rash went away

...then I put it back

Not looking ahead

So I live about a mile away from school and my bike got stolen :(

I am always able to snag a ride home...except today I had a study group so I couldn't!

As I am leaving campus I update my facebook status to something like "I'm walking home alone, in the dark and I'm scared :("

Three minutes later he calls me :)

He tells me he will keep me company bc I am scared.

I know we can never be.
I just told him I'm going to Europe
He told me by the time I get back he will be gone

But for now I'm okay with whatever this is.

It's kinda like when kids catch fireflies in jars

They are so happy when they do because they've watched and wanted one for so long.

Some try to hold on too long to it
Others know it cannot and should not last so when the time comes they let it go.

Holding onto it for too long will kill it
In the jar...it cannot survive

Didn't want to lose the friendship...smart move or not?

You guys ever watched the music video for "We found love" by Rihanna?

It is epic just FYI but that's not why I am posting.

In the very beginning when there is a voice talking she says,
"...Sometimes you almost wish you could have all that bad stuff back so you can get the good..."

(I think I paraphrased a bit but you can look it up)
Yes well I know that feeling WAY too well right now.
Annnd I did go ahead and welcome all the bad stuff back...along with the good.

But you know what? I think I did it because this guy truly is one of my best friends and I wanted to text him and talk to him like I would my best friend but I couldn't...so I think that is a contributing factor to my shit-show-of-a-situation.

The friend-zone is real btw.

Friendship > love....but if this friendship comes with unrequited love is it worth it?

I vote yes :/





for now...

Thank You Kate Vogel

Who doesn't love finding a song that fits her mood or situation perfectly? :)




"Forever And Almost Always"

So the story goes on down
The less traveled road
It's a variation on
The one I was told
And although it's not the same
It's awful close, yeah

In an ordinary fairy tale land
There's a promise of a perfect happy end
And I imagine having just short of that
Is better than nothing

So you'll be mine
Forever and almost always
And I'll be fine
Just love me when you can
And I'll wait patiently
I'll wake up every day
Just hoping that you still care

In the corner of my mind I know too well
Oh that surely even I deserve the best
But instead of leaving
I just put the issue to bed
And outta my head

Oh and just when I believe
You've changed for good
Well you go and prove me wrong
Just like I knew you would

When I run out of second chances
You give me that look
And you're off the hook

Because you're mine
Forever and almost always
And I'm fine
Just love me when you can
And I'll wait patiently
I'll wake up every day
Just hoping that you still care

Oh, what am I still doing here?
Oh, it's all becoming so clear

You'll be mine
Forever and almost always
It ain't right to just love me when you can
Oh I won't wait patiently
Or wake up everyday
Just hoping that you'll still care

Forever and almost always
No it ain't right
To just love me when you can, baby
Ain't gonna wait patiently
I won't wake up everyday
Just hoping that you still care

I was ment to tread the water...but now I've gotten in too deep

Thank you to everyone who has commented about finding someone new and moving on...you all are too right :)

Something totally random happened today and honestly once I type it out it will probably sound very verrrrry dumb but I am kinda procrastinating studying right now so I am going to go ahead and do it lol

I have this two-finger ring that my friend gave me and it is very VERY snug, like a size or two small haha but I love it so I am wearing it

I took it off while I was flipping through my book and when I put it back on while I walked to the bathroom it got stuck (lol like REALLY STUCK)

It doesn't help that I got this ring the last time I saw the guy I've been posting about so whenever I look at it I see him...

But while I was tugging at it to come off I start thinking it is like him hold on me, as much as I do not want it on me IT WON'T COME OFF!! I had a tiny silent freak-out while I tried to pull it off but it was like literally cemented to my finger!

I finish my business (lol sorry just part of the story) and I go to wash my hands and the ring slides off like it was 3 sizes too big :)

This made me smile because no matter how hopeless I feel and like I will never get someone off my mind or something off my finger...it will come off easier than expected

When I find someone better

or water :)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok I came back to edit this post because I started fooling around with the ring again and got it stuck...but had no water...so yanking it off took WAAAY longer and was VERY painful...

Same as letting go of him.
Since I have no one else (water) it will be harder to let him go and more painful but I have to do it to protect myself from further harm
(my finger was losing feeling!!)

I SWEAR I am not some pscho haha everyone facebook creeps!

Sorry that my last like 3 or 4 posts have been super heartbroken and depressing...

I swear a brighter post is coming!

But I just decided to share this because none of you followers know me annnd I am kinda embarrassed to say this lol

The fucker that I am falling for who is engaged...I just totally facebook creeped the shit outta both of them and found her myspace (ya myspace hella old right I know but her facebook was private obvs)

After being totally loser-ish and looking up on her I (and I am saying this as modestly as possible) am better looking than her.

HOLD UP: just to clarify I never think of myself as pretty. I just always think I am a tad below average but nothing gross..most days haha

And I feel bad about this because it means I am saying that she isn't pretty but I really am not trying to tear her down...

I have been tearing myself down for the past month thinking she was better than me at everything which was why he was with her and I was his backup plan...

Just knowing (in my opinion) that I have something over her is nice.
It may just help me sleep better at night while knowing he's thinking of her not me...

Don't waste your time waiting one someone who wouldn't wait for you...

It figures...it's rainy and stormy and all everyone wants to do is stay inside snuggle up in a big blanket and watch movies...

aka cuddling weather...

aka both my besties have an invite places to go...and I have...a list of sad songs playing on my computer and possibly a movie...

There is one movie that I think will match my mood pretty well but I haven't seen it yet.

I'll post the trailer and maybe you guys will get a better grasp on how much I dislike the guy I love....
Except for the no flirting rule...
And the part about the guy loving me back lol
But the last line about her making him decent and him making her SO happy...pretty much sums it all up.

ugh, WHY CAN'T I LISTEN TO MYSELF?

Let go of Mr. Wrong so Mr. Right can find you...even if Mr. Wrong is Mr. Right for someone else

I envy the people in this video. They knew what their mistake was and when they went back to change it the other person excitedly accepted them.

While watching it I was feeling the same way as the first girl, walking away from the man I love...but the difference was when she turned back around for him, they could be together.

I CANNOT be with my guy. That's why I walked away...I don't know why I keep walking back :(

And another thing...I am sure these people in the video were nice people...
He can't be a nice guy...
...to do what he has been doing to me...and his fiance.

Rock & a Hard Place

Hi...so last night (or day)there was a punk marathon from 3pm till 1am...we got a day-fade going and went...

You know who texts me and I give him attitude for pretty much no reason other than I am mad myself for liking him so damn much...

Hopefully I scared him off and he won't come back, which is what I WANT but am NEVER able to actually make happen because of my feelings for him...

If he does end up coming back after the attitude I gave him then I may have even an bigger problem...I might like him more :(

FML

Ooops I did it again...and again

Edward 40's hands + trouble maker texting me = Yeaaaa....oops

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

Can't stay away :(

Why is it when I write things down in this blog I can really see them... And when I go back out into the situation I can't anymore!! If you read a few back you will see I finally got out of a bad relationship...had my head on straight and knew what I was doing... Yea, about that. Just to be fair, HE opened the lines of communication again. And I ONLY responded because he sounded really down. (smart guy right) I did however agree to hanging out with him...yet I find myself hopeful that "something" happens when we do. WOW REALLY IDIOT? Why would I want that? Why would I want to be with a guy who I see declare his love for his fiance' over facebook?! why why whyyyy! He is selfish! I am weak!....But he is the only guy that makes me feel the way he does...like I am special (which I obviously am not) and like he really likes me when in reality he already does the same thing to another girl a million miles away. Why do I sit up thinking how things would be different if I had met him first, if he and her broke up, down the line if they got divorced? I am pathetic...I did not give in when he told me he had no where to spend Thanksgiving...I felt like shit because I am a sucker for the holidays and people who have no one...but c'mon I can't explain that one to my friends and even if I could why would I want to spend a holiday with someone who will never again spend it with me. I want to be mad at him but I can't. I want to be mad at me but I keep agreeing to see him. I know that this will lead to a heartbroken post later on down the road but I guess that's good for you readers right? :) Shit, I could really use a wish right now.

Pandora is keeping me Sane #8pagepaper

I am procrastinating writing my 8 page paper. Actually I am on page 6 so I guess it's not procrastination...I'll call it a break :) Sorry, I know that all my procrastination posts are really lame and random so I promise I will write another better one tonight! I just ate a tuna quesadilla...so goood! Ps. Have you ever put Tapitio on popcorn? Yea TRY IT....actually Tapitio on anything is bomb But now I have tuna breath :)

Happy McHappy

At first I was gonna write about this guy I've been seeing lately...
But then I realized that I haven't heard from him since he dropped me off yesterday morning (which is not that long ago I am aware don't think I don't).
So I decided to write on how happy I am with the way my life is.

but then my phone vibrated..

So now I am sitting here wondering if he texted me or if it is someone else.

Why am I not just looking?

Because for once I am going to make a conscious decision about my relationships. I am going to decide if I WANT him to call/text me before I see if he DID

Only because having a guy not call is never fun. Even when you don't want to see him again it still hurts a little because there was something wrong with ME instead of just HIM. lol

Anyhoo dating someone because you are bored is never right...but sometimes doing things bc you are bored is how new favorite hobbies are found hahahaha

Always having great days...

So I got back from last night (or this morning)at 4:00am

I Woke up at 7:00am to do some community service :)

Went to sleep again at 10am (planning on sleeping the day away)

Get woken up two hours later to my friends who TELL me this:
#1 I am NOT hungover
#2 I want to wake up
#3 I am going on a hike with them..a hike that is over 1,000 steps INCLINE

after a few "fuck no's" and "Leave me alone's" I get dressed.

The hike was fucking hard as usual but all in all a GREEEAT DAY

Saw a lot of different beautiful places and ate some great food and got to hang out with some friends I LOVE

So moral of the story:
When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade

(wow that saying actually works very well in this instance! I totally did not start out planning on having a moral of the story I swear haha)

A much needed night out

After turning down friends all week I am FINALLY FREE TO GO OUT!!

lol it sounds like I was grounded....I wasn't I just needed to study..bleh let's not think about that

Going to a bar for a friend's suprise party then who knows!! The night is young!

It's 730pm!!

I'll be here allllll night folks

I have a FAT test tomorrow.

My teacher is a retard that copy pasts from other journals and reads it to us...aka knows nothing.

I keep getting distracted.

I just did a 25 slide powerpoint.

All nighter? I think YES :(

If you aren't 1st string don't stay with him. You deserve to be starting not sitting on the bench...

The dude who cheated on his girlfriend with me texted me today...

Why is the right guy such the wrong one?

I could tell something was wrong and since I can't stand to see someone sad without helping (fucking psychology major) I asked...

Him and his gf--excuse me-- his FIANCE' are having problems...trust problems.

WOW BRO.

How can this douschbag make me feel so special? Like I can completely be myself and I know he has no judgement towards me.

FUCK I was okay with letting him go, and I just let him right back in.

YES PLEASEeeee

Fun Times

I just had a LAZY DAY

Rented 4 movies from RedBox and watched them all
One Funny One
One (Shitty) Serious One
One Romantic one <3
One SCARY AS SHIT one haha

Of course we did this after turning my living room into a theater (we put sheets over the windows)

We ate popcorn and spaghetti and junk food

We danced to crazy techno music complete with a satin sheet being thrown in the air

We had fun

:)

On To The Next

I said my next post would be happy lol which is probably why it took a few doys for me to write :)
After uploading many cute/fun pictures of me to facebook (inadvertently making 'him' see what he is missing out on haha) I am over it all....YEP took me a total of about 4 days and I am over him---see I told you it wasn't serious :p

Anyways I just made plans for Sunday afternoon with this new guy so we will see where they go. He seems nice...enough.

Lol Oh the joys of being young and unattached...no but honestly I don't see me and this new fella ever working out but you never knoooow now do ya

Timing Sucks, and I hate the saying "Its not ment to be."

What do normal people do when they are feeling a particular (usually some variation of depressed) emotion???

Yep, they google quotes that define that particular feeling...
It helps because you know at one time or another someone (who has a nice way with words) felt the exact same way you are feeling....sometimes it helps because the quites show you a different perspective or are insightful enough to make you feel different...better even.

What happens when two different quotes fit me tonight:( try and guess who I finally broke it off with...

The quotes are:
"Sometimes the hardest things and the right things are the same."

"It's better to live your life with 'Oh Wells' than 'What Ifs'."



No picture today, I'm posting from the phone, sorry bout it

Never take it seriously. If you never take it seriously, you never get hurt. If you never get hurt, you always have fun.

At first I didn't like this video. I thought it was about love on acid...but now I like it A LOT.

Time to Fess up :(

Okay loyal readers...I am about to admit to something that I am 100% ashamed of and I know that you will judge me (I would judge me too if I were not in this situation) but at the same time I hope maybe you see my thought process--though wrong-- was really really fucked up...that didn't make sense but oh well here it goes...

I met this guy, lets call him STEVE and Steve and I hit it off. The next time we hung out there was alcoholic beverages involved and thus me and Steve ended up having a nice lil make-out session.
The next time Steve and I met up we went back to my place (NO NOT TO DO THAT) and we just talked...and damn he was a real cool dude...until he asked, "Do you remember me telling you that I have a girlfriend?"
UMM WHAT? NO NO STEVE I DO NOT!
At the time we were holding hands and semi-cuddling so I broke that off and said basically nothing was ever going to happen between us...
Steve then goes on to explain that they have only been dating for 4 months and she is in a state on the east coast, while we are on the west most state...He tries to keep things going but I just try to limit any physical contact but keep talking because there really is no reason to kick this guy out of my house if I am enjoying his company as a friend.
Well time goes by and Steve is texting me and I am really starting to like him but I know it is wrong. But then again I find myself fucking justifying my feelings which was stupid of me. I started saying:
-It's only been 4 months they were together and shes not here
-If he doesn't cheat with me he will with someone else
-I enjoy hanging with him even without any romantic feelings involved
-I"M NOT THE ONE IN A RELATIONSHIP
Ugh I know...I am a failure. but still I go on...
We hang out again and this time I do not tell Steve where I am going, but my friend is friends with his friend so they both end up with us. I don't mind but at the same time I make it clear to him I will not be with him. Every time I mention his gf or the situation he says things like "Now why you gotta go bring her up?" or "There you go again bringing up he gf." Eventually I give in to this dude because he was so exhausting to fight and I yes I will say it, I was too weak to hold me ground :(

We spend the night together but DID NOT HAVE SEX so there was one good thing from that...I mean other things happened but at least that one didn't.
That morning my roommate tells him that shes gonna add him on facebook so she does.

Later on that week I get nosey and look at his profile through hers...he is talking about marrying this chick!! Ugh I feel like an idiot because I convinced myself if wasn't serious.
A few days later the relationship status goes to ENGAGED and I quit texting this fool back...
But he won't stop.
Now I'm trapped, do I try and keep this guy as a friend bc he is a cool friend, or just dump the whole situation....yea I shoulda picked the 2nd option :(

But I don't...I am distant but still responding...and later on we meet up

And yea...the dirty deed was done

FUCK I AM SO DUMB

It's not like I am gonna stand up at his wedding and object...but for some reason ths guy got me doing things I never do!

But after it happened he looks kinda shaken up and leaves very quickly...so I am thinking maybe he grew a conscious and think that it won't happen again

Then he doesn't text me for a while...and his facebook status' are all about the devil tempting him and shit... wtf ever I don't care I'm over him

then he calls me and gets me back in again... he tells me that he is worried I am going to stop hanging out with him. He says that he know's he isn't the best looking guy and he would understand if I was done with him...
NO I FEEL TERRIBLE wtf I was totally fine with our "affair shit" being done but now he tells me he is scared that I am too good for him and is worried I won't talk to him anymore

WELL SHIT. I fucking go and reassure him...

But now I am re-reading shit shit-show of a story I just explained for you all and I realize what a MORON I was...I am done with him.
But I feel bad because he was so worried that I was gonna end it...but shit why am I feeling bad when I am the one who is legit single! :(

....Speaking of Steve, the fucker just texted me...I hafta tell him sooner or later...I hafta lose a friend :(
If he's not gonna do what's right I am before things get deeper
:( I hate hurting people's feelings if I care about them though :(((((

Here goes nothing

---NEXT POST WILL BE HAPPIER I SWEAR HAHA---

Music Changer

I think it's funny how whenever I am into a certain guy I always listen to the music that they like.
Not because I am trying to change my own music taste but because it reminds me of him or because it makes me feel like I am with him.

The only time it sucked was when I was dating this 'country music' type guy because when it ended all I could listen to were country songs and guess what? 98% of country songs are fucking sad love songs!! haha

but anyways now I have my pandora set o Mumford and Sons :) so lets see where this one leads

ps. The only time this does NOT happen is with this one guy I am on and off with who loves straight up rap old school music...CANT DO IT haha

Look Whose Back

I haven't written here for a while and honestly that is a VERY good thing.
I began writing here because I needed to write my feelings down somewhere, feelings on deep things or stupid things lol
Since I lose every journal I keep or the wrong people end up reading it I turned to this blog :)

However I stopped writing when LIFE happened. I was so happy that I was always able so express me feelings to people in person.
Ever since the beginning of summer I have had this "Life could be worse" attitude and nothing bad ever really messed it up. For once I was a real live optimist :) IT WAS AWESOME

Well I'M BACK and you can guess what that means...I have some "iffy" feelings that I don't want to share in person so I have to write them here...they aren't depressed feelings or anything....just different

But one good thing that will come of this is that I have a lot more juicy stuff to write about hahahaha not that I wasn't interesting before but just that my men problem's have gotten so big and drama-filled that it makes for good reading...but we will get to that when I come to it

For now just know I'M FUCKING BACK :)

A tad paraphrased...

Foregggeeetful Lucy!

Her lips are so damn juicy!

How bout another first kiss??

Watching MADE

Wooow Some people can talk the talk but are STRAIGHT BABIES when it comes to to walking the walk.

Do you really think things are easy? Like really!????

This one chick got so excited to lose 60-70lbs
once they told her she should aim for 20lbs she started crying
Now they started working out and she cries saying "I don't like it" I don't want to do this"
Umm sweetie how did you expect to lose 60-70 originally without working out?

I'm not being mean...I have seen many MADEs and the best ones are where the kids keep pushing and embrace the workouts no matter how dumb they look or hard it is.

She wouldn't even eat a salad because she doesn't like salad, she started crying because she wanted to eat her bbq food. DAY ONE!!

I just want people to know that things do not come easy! Hating others for having what you do not have is easy but working to get what they have is hard.

Nothing worth it is ever easy!!

Ok sorry I sound like a bitch but uggghhh I don't like it when people say they can't do something without really trying! :(

Lazy Sunday

Meet The Fockers...enough said.

Heart's got nothing to do with it

I don't know why people call it heartbroken...
Because in all reality your heart is in your chest, and whether you are in love or hurting your whole body feels it not just your chest.
Maybe because it starts in your chest? But really you laugh and cry and smile on your face. You hold hands or bite your nails with your hands. You play footsie tap your leg with your feet. You play with your partner's hair or twirl your own. And we won't get into the more intimate feelings but you get the idea.

When someone is keeping you up at night it isn't your chest that is up, it's your mind. It is your soul reliving the past not the heart. In a sense, I don't think our heart should have anything to do with love...because telling someone that their heart is broken makes them feel like their body has betrayed them--telling someone that their soul is troubled gives them hope for the next person to come along with a soul jolt :)

I don't wear my heart on my sleeve...I walk into a room and let my aura attract others.

Too lame? Too sentimental? Too naive or confuscious? Deal with it bud

Wow, I just appreciated a little thing in life!

Ok I must be close to dying because I just noticed the beauty in something I never noticed before!
I swear it was like one of those epiphany's you have before you die where you remember that moment and all is okay...weird.
I am just sitting in my front room studying the Gene Expression Model and a heavy wind blows so I look up to see a bunch of leaves fly past my window...mind you I am on the third floor so I found this amazingly beautiful and actually smiled.

WEIRD! haha I am not an artist or a poet or actually anyone who would find beauty in something like this but It Just Happened!

I feel like that weird kid in American Beauty who found the plastic bag floating in the wind beautiful lol

TV ruins the best of them

Khloe Kardashian is by far my favorite celebrity.
I'm not into celebrity gossip much and never really watch reality shows and never ever read those magazines but I do watch Keeping Up With The Kardashians because it reminds me of me and my two sisters.

I always thought Khloe was the funniest and most down to earth. Sure, she's not as pretty as her two other sisters but I personally think she is the most beautiful out of all of them.

I relate to her insecurities and using humor to keep people at a distance. My family even started calling me Khloe for a while because of my dry humor in critical situations ha.

But in all seriousness I am so happy Khloe married Llamar Odom and they do look happy...well as happy as a couple can look on television

but now I see that they are going to have their own television show! I am worried for my girl...I don't want them to end up like the rest of these dopy celebrities who think they are going to make a movie out of their fairytale marriage only to be left with footage of the beginning of the end. (Jessia Simpson & Nick Lacacy or John & Kate Gosslin?)

I hope they make it...

Get Out Of My Head!!

Don't you hate it when the person you want to forget keeps popping up in your head?

I once heard the saying: "If you can't get someone out of your head then maybe they are supposed to be there."

Sometimes this is true but in my case I really hope it's not.

Ran into trouble today when we were deciding where to go out tonight because we have one friend who is 18 while the rest of us are 21 and over.
She can't get in to any of the places we go and we don't want to go to a 18+ place because lets be serious they should be called 18-20year old clubs.
She was asking if we knew any people who could get her past the bouncer, then my other friend said she really really wants to go to this certain bar (she is also under 21).

Welp if I hadn't messed up then Yes he could have gotten both of my friends into this bar because he knows the bouncers....right when I was trying to convince myself I forgot about him my, my mistake came flooding back to me :(

Maybe I'll never forget

Change #1 in life

I deleted my facebook account today.

Granted facebook it genius and instead of delete they make you "deactivate it" which technically puts all the will power on the user.
Right when I sat down at my computer I went to type in facebook; if I had logged in then my account would have reactivated again... convenient right?

I guess no facebook means more blog posts haha

Why did I delete it?
-I'm kinda tired of fake people. Well no that's unfair because I don't know they are fake I guess.
-People use facebook for primarily two reasons to upload pictures showing everyone else what they are doing with their lives and how great life is. and #2 to update their status' to show words and opinions no one really would hear otherwise some no one cares about and others people care about but it would be better if they heard it in person...

Anyways it's been a while since I have done either and I have a lot of "fans" who ask to be my friends and I accept because I don't want to offend the limited number of fans I have but I don't like them looking at my personal things.
I am not the type of person that uses facebook to say things because no one would listen to them otherwise or because there is less judgement from behind a facebook account..

that's what this blog is for hahahaha

New Me :(

I'm going to be honest, when I took that like month or so off of blogging here I didn't forget.
I think I went into depression (?) I'm not trying to be one of the million of pessimistic "I-hate-my-life" bloggers out here so I refused to blog.
Looking past on all my posts I had a lot of spunk, a lot of life, and some funny jokes but every once in a while I had a sad post...ugh sorry but I'm trying to be real so here it is:
For the last few months I can't shake this feeling of like apathy.
I have nothing to be excited about in life really. I have my sport where I am excelling but still I don't feel anything.
Some days I don't look in any mirrors because I feel so ugly. My family can tell something is wrong but I don't want to burden them so I am kinda trying to downplay it but I think they are seeing through it.
Even though I was never really really religious I feel like God has forsaken me even though I know he doesn't do that, but I still feel completely alone.
I go out partying and to movies and shopping, I laugh and have fun but when I go to sleep at night I get back into this dark place.
So many people have worse lives than me but damn what is wrong with me?
Its so lame when I hear people saying they want someone to snuggle with and to wake up next to but I think I do feel like this now. I always say I don't want kids and I don't want to get married but I don't want to feel alone like I have been.
I know I run away from anyone who shows affection for me and it's my own fault so now once I decide to change and be open I feel like it's too late, no one wants me now that I want someone.

Karma's a bitch and she just slapped me

Updatesssss

Ok Sorry for the sabbatical I went on...semi-depression lol but I'm over it..
Updates since I last posted.
Love Life= No new fellas, I did however erase the number from my phone of the guy I keep telling myself not to call (yay me)
Social Life= going broke bc it's spring break and we are over 21 haha

Tonight= I'm going out to D&B's with a lot of friends...should be fun, I have a cute new outfit I want to wear even though spring break is giving me a beer belly :(
Maybe something (someone?) will happen tonight to give me a fun post later!

Accepting Applications for Boyfriends, Now

I almost made it through Valentines Day lovin life!!

ALMOST.

2 hours and 15 minutes left and facebook and all the happy couples eager to show their love to the cyber world do me in!

Damn technology

Combine that to the fact that my "valentine" (lol my friend) has a date tonight, I went to visit her room where my other friend and her boo were hanging out and my other friend was complaining of all the guys she had textin her lol

GOOD Lord! I gotta find a man this is just too much

How's Your Attitude?

A little dramatic at parts but the inspiration is still there

Who woulda thought

Found this on Postsecret

So I began reading Post Secret in 8th grade after I got one of the books. Once I got to college I began reading EVERY Sunday :) One of my rituals I never forget
Every so often I see one that I do not personally have experience with but it still breaks my heart that someone is holding this secret in.

This is one.
:(
I can't imagine loving someone who is addicted to hurt and drama.
I can't imagine loving someone so much that you would rather leave them than hurt them, even if the hurt is what they are looking for.
I can't imagine loving someone.




But on the bright side I bought my first Valentines Day gift EVER and I have a Valentine for the first time :)
It is for my single friend Amanda and I couldn't be more excited!
No Homo

Why is Everyone getting Married

Before I start into this let me just say my view on marriage:
All my life I thought I wanted to get married, have 3 kids, with a house and a dog, etc. But after I really thought about it-and saw others do it- I realize that is the last thing I want. I mean yea marriage that'd be cool but I CANNOT stay in one place to raise kids. I want to move around do tons of things and not just have a life revolving around bills, taking kids to practice and school, and just trying to survive to the next week.
So there are two ways to look at this.
Either I am selfish.
Or I am a free spirit. (ew that sounded lame) Independent?

Lol but anyways the point it that I am not going to be that typical suburban housewife. I may get lonely if I see all my friends with kids and stuff but really I can't see myself being happy that way.
Take my parents for example, they always wanted to go to Europe but never could because they had 4 kids. Now I see my good friend talk about how she is going to Europe but at the same time she says she is going to have kids ASAP. Am I the only one who does not think this will work out?

Whatever, not my place to say. But the only thing that prompted this post is that this guy I think is very attractive and that I am working closely with for this semester is married! Not that I am trying to get with him lol but it's just SO not my thing.

ps. Military and Mormons are the most eager to get married. Just an observation :)

(Wow sorry this post went nowhere, it was just ramblings haha)

Not Your Typical Athlete

I try really hard not to be the typical athlete.
-I get good grades
-I get good grades by DOING the Work and putting Effort in (not cheating)
-I don't wear my practice clothes to school
-I don't wear clean t-shirts and basketball shorts as school clothes
-I hate partying with athletes
-I stick more to the indie/stoner crowd (but I don't smoke bc we get drug tested)
-I try not to post a lot of status' or facebook updates about sports
-I do put up pictures of me playing but that's bc sometimes a quality profile picture is hard to find!!
-And finally I try not to post on here about sports--even though it has slipped out once or twice :/

But tonight I can't help it...It just sucks that something you put so much effort and time into and love so much makes you hurt and hate yourself.
Like this sounds over dramatic but really...
I run before or after practice, I show up early to get extra in and leave late because I need to practice things that didn't feel right in practice.
I am already a starter but I am the hardest worker. It's easy for me to say this because it is true. But tonight none of my extra work paid off and I just felt like I was the worst player out there.
That obviously wasn't the case but I expect to win easily when I work so hard and I know that sometimes that just isn't the case.

I know a "real hard core athlete" would never admit this but right about now I am thinking maybe I hit my peak? Maybe I made the most of my physical talents and to ask for more is impossible.

To that I say FUCK IT.
I'm getting better everyday. Hell yea tonight sucked but it will help me later on.
Wow this one post just made me change my whole outlook on this shitty situation.
I am better than that and I am going to prove it. I didn't hit my peak I have just started climbing motherfuckers.

I really wish I cared about the Superbowl

I just can't seem to make myself!!

When I was younger I would watch it for the commercials, food, halftime show, and family.

But since I have gone to college I don't watch it.

At this very moment I have nothing AT ALL to do and still don't want to watch it.

And I am not one of those girls who can't watch sports. I can watch football and understand it lol

Superbowl is awesome and all but I feel like it is where all the bandwagon fans come out

"Nobody Sleeps While I'm Awake"

Going out tonight

Probably the last for a while because season is about to start.

I tool a 3 hour nap sooooo people better watch out!!

I am not drinking, I am not drinking, I am not drinking

Empty calories, bad karma.....you will probably read my post tomorrow saying "I shouldn't have drank" lol oh well

That's what college does to ya

A Very Merry Unbirthday To Me!!

Last night on facebook I changed my birthday to today.

I have at least 60 "happy birthdays" and about 10 "Your such a liar" 5 "This is funny"
and 3 "Umm happy birthday if it is really today"

hahaha try it see what you get!

Some girl I went to elementary school with noticed. She said my birthday parties were always around Halloween so it couldn't be my birthday.

A lot of my best friends caught it.

One girl I actually celebrated my birthday with texted me Happy Birthday

A second text said "I was going to call you and say happy birthday butI got hit by a car..." haha long story

One girl I DO NOT KNOW AT ALL (like literally some random girl that asked to be my fbook friend) said "It's not your birthday" creep right?

My younger sister said "Happy Birthday! Love You!" and my older sister commented seriously? haha

I got three private messages saying Happy Birthday

Ahhhh great stuff :) I needed some spice to my life.

Group Projects = Horseshit for Good Students & Easy A for FuckTards

My teacher assigns a group project. She ALSO assigns who we will be working with.

When my group 1st meets I am give out my email address and get theirs.
The project is basically like we all make a list of books and them compile them together to make one big list (expected page # is 50+, so yes killing trees)

I ask "who wants to be the person that we all email?"

EVERYONE JUST FUCKING STARES AT ME.
Really? Just because I am the one doing the talking now I am by default the one who has to make the list?

whatever I want to say, "Sure you lazy asses I will put the list together. It's not like I am a student-athlets that has practices and less time than the rest of you fucking normal students."

But I dont...
I say "Email me your parts by the end of the weekend.

Now I have a life so naturally I didn't check my email Sunday night.

I got 2 emails Monday and then NOTHING.
wow didn't fucking see that coming.

So I call up the one guy who is my friend and tell him to get me his shit because it is due Tuesday. When does this toolbag send it? Monday night 11pm.

And the second guy never emails me shit. He comes ad sits by me in class and says "yea I didn't do anything"

MEAN-FUCKING-WHILE I am putting my list in Alphabetical order with the other two lists....DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG IT TAKES TO ALPHATIZE 30 PAGES? All fucking day.

So what I wake up early to put the list together but the toolbag sent it in the wrong format so I can't open it. So I try and tell him and his girlfriend (also my good friend) says "Oh he's at football practice so I will do it for him."
Shit not my problem so she prints out his list to just add to the back of the original.

At this point I DGAF I don't put their names on the assignment and I am sitting in class bc we have to present our lists.

Well toolbag's girlfriend went up and presented her list ans LOW AND BEHOLD they have exactly the same list. Football Player = Plagerizer = why everyone thinks all athletes are dumb.

We get lucky though and don't have to present so both the slackers tell me they will send me their lists. I just got them...Toolbag still plagerized his but FUCKTARD goes and copies a website (amazon.com) and it's booklists and sends it to me. Uuuuhhhh What? I have to do this for you?

So that is where I am at now.

My other friend in this class (she is very smart) s havinng the exact same problem with her group--except the girl giving her problems is also on our team.

WooooW I AM SOOO HEATED RIGHT NOW!!
CanyaTell?

I know you guys don't care but...

I just got back from shopping :)
hehe

I initially just went because I was in dyer (dier?) need of shorts. The ones I have are too big and I seriously wear them all the time and they have holes in them.
Not okay.

So I go and buy some shorts at Old Navy--they are alright nothing special just jean shorts but still an upgrade.

Then I go to American Eagle and they have shorts everywhere!! So I buy a pair of black ones....and two cute tank tops and as I was checking out I see a really cute white pull over poncho with a tie in the back...yea definitly walked out, to the other side of the mall and then back to buy it. $40 but I am in love haha. (yes the sale people were curious as to why I had two bags and check out times haha
---tried finding a picture of it but I cannot! :( this pix is semi the same...but not as amazing---

Then I had a gift card to Macys. I don't really shop at Macys so I got some cool peacock feather earrings and 3 pairs of unmentionables ;)

THEN I go to Walmart for a cheap belt. (Who pays $17 for a belt? No one fricken sees your belt! haha

and now my quick shopping trip has transformed my wardrobe :)

Yay for retail therapy!

.....cannot believe how much I sound like a teenage girl right now.....ew.

Scared Straight

Tonight me and my friend went out.

We were waiting at a bar for some friends then went to dance then got tired of waiting and dancing so we went home.

On the way home she gets pulled over.

Freaking out I recount her drink total for the night: 2 beers and a martini. We pre-gamed a bit at my place before going out but it wore off before dinner. YEs she had a pizza with her 2 beers.

So I am waiting for the cop to finish with her praying to God that she doesn't get a DUI. It takes backup cars and about 20 minutes for us to finally be on our way.

SCARIEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE.

Yes, she wasn't drunk but the cop did pull her over because he thought she was. He also gave her a $95 ticket for swerving.

I may never drink again :/

WHole life put into perspective lol Damn

Adorable City, Population 2.

Love Story in the Making (lets be real, NO FREAKING WAY)

I met a guy in NOVEMBER.
Yes November lol.

I didn't give him my number because I made a rule not to give out my number when I am drunk...or at a bar. (They don't always go hand in hand haha)

I did however tell him where he could find me.

Unfortutley the "where" I told him he could find me will not occur until February lol
He said he wouldn't forget and he would show up.

Now wouldn't that be a story: He remembers 4 months to wait and see me!
now, now I am FULLY AWARE I will probably never see his face again for the simple fact that I wouldn't wait 4 months for some chick I met one time.

But in all honestly, if he just happened to show up I would probably fall in love with him just because that is AWESOME
haha it doesn't take much for a girl to fall for you guys!

Anyhoo if he did show up I would look past the fact that he is shorter than me :/ which I NEVER do hahahahaha....oh wait, now that I write that out I don't think I can look past that!

ok ok enough nonsense for now, bedtime!!!




Wait, one more thing. I realize this kinda makes me look like I play games like this. I DO NOT. I really didn't want to give him my number but remembered that February is coming up and was wondering if he did inn fact remember :) That is ALL!
goodnight for real this time

ADD posting

Wow I realize that this is like the third time in three posts that I am writing something about facebook but really It's beginning to get on my nerves!!

Posting a quote as your status when you are really feeling that quote or it explains your mood or situation perfectly is one thing
But I feel like people are posting quotes just for the sake of sounding insightful while wanting to update their status

Don't get me wrong I enjoy a good quote as much as the next person and a year ago I would be looking up one right now but now whenever I am in a certain mood and think "I shoudld look up a good quote to help me deal and I'll just put it in my status so my friend's know what me feelings are on this situation or whatevs" I find myself realizing that I HATE reading other people's lame and unoriginal quotes so I don't.

:(

Damn people! Taking away my favorite pasttime...Quote hunting!!
hehe just kidding

Oooh but a new hobby of mine is YELP.COM
I seriously Yelp everything nowadays :) try it it's soooo useful!!

But back to my bottom line: I hate people.
haha not persons! just people, ya know the plural.
THe other day we were at the beach, and HELLA people were there and I seriously wanted to leave. Then today I went to study at Barnes & Nobel and there were no seats and just rude people waking into me.
I know, kinda hypocritical for getting frusterated at people for doing exactly what I am doing. But I guess I am just the kinda gal who wants to do things in a small crowd and not be caught up in stupid people people crowds.
Did that make sense?
I DON'T CARE!!!

ok sorry, random post.....very random

Old Fat Me

If you have read some of my more boring posts you would know that I recently lost 30lbs.

Now, I only bring this up because I just went through a bunch of my old facebook pictures (deleting a shit ton of them) and realized just how big I was back then.

The thing is, when I was heavy I didn't really know it. Ok I KNEW it, I just wasn't like as big as other people I have seen so I figured I just had "more to love". Oh nonono! I was LARGE lol and this is the first time I noticed it!

Which makes me worry. Now that I am slimmer, smaller, drowning in all my old clothes and feeling pretty good about my size...what if yet again I am too big and I don't notice it till I am smaller?! ugh

Like duh a lot of you are probably saying, well it's not hard to know when you are fat! And yes I agree with you. I still can lose a few more...but like how did I feel good about myself 3 pant sizes bigger than I am now!? It confounds me :(

I don't ever want to get back there
Poopy

Quick Vent Sesh, Thanks

Venting Session!
I'm not one of those people who think that my drama (if I even have drama) is the most interesting thing ever BUT I also know how much some people like gossip or drama and I am kinda heated about this at the moment so you can read about my issue haha DEAL WITH IT!

I am a junior in college and have been at this college for 3 years. In my junior class on my team I have 9 other girls. Freshman year I was the only one who played consistently. Sophomore year my best friend also got a starting spot. Now it's our 3rd year and some girls who have been around as long as I are complaining when they realize that they are not starters.

These girls (there are 3 of them as of right now being babies) are CONFUSED. Someone needs to tell them that there is a difference between WAITING FOR YOUR SPOT aka waiting till the girl ahead of you graduates. and EARNING YOUR SPOT aka doing extra work-yes extra as in when NO ONE IS WATCHING.

Girl #1: Is bad mouthing the freshman who came in and "stole" her spot. Keep in mind that girl #1 is BAD like not even decent for our team. She has improved since she walked-on but I never did nor do I now expect her to see playing time. She thinks that she is better than she is and pretty much ruined her friendship with the freshman because she is mad at her for being better. Lame right?

Girl #2: Got a little playing time our freshman year. But come our sophomore year she just wasn't where our team was. We got some BOMB players and her level of play didn't elevate with our team so she got sent to the bench. Now she is getting beat out of her position by a fellow junior who abet isn't WAY better than Girl #2 but has been getting the job done much better lately. but this girl is the reason behind my venting. SHE TURNS TO FACEBOOK TO COMPLAIN. IN A STATUS. WHERE EVERYONE ON OUR TEAM CAN SEE IT IN ADDITION TO FANS WHO SHE HAS AS FRIENDS. Are you serious? If I wanted you to start before I damn sure do not want it now. I am debating on writing her a comment telling her to stop being a baby and realize someone is better than her and if she wants to play she needs to do something different and stop waiting for a handout!

Girl #3: I'll be honest I can see her viewpoint a little bit. She is a quality player. She had to sit out behind a starter for 2 years but in those 2 years every time she got a chance she did perform. And then this year when her position goes "up for grabs" she gets a crowd of players looking for a spot around her and she just get's kinda forgotten because she is nothing special. I guess I just got peeved at her when I saw her and Girl #1 liked Girl #2 status's. then Girl #2 goes and says that they are all in the same boat.

I am not sure where they got their misplaced sense of self-entitlement but for girls working for their spots and others who want the other spots filled with good players It's Frustrating.

Sorry that might have been hard to follow with all he Girl#'s and shit. And sorry if I brought down your mood with my venting....wait, there is no way I brought down your mood, you don't even know me!! hahaha

Craigslist Connection!!

Question: Have you ever been a "missed connection" on Craigslist?

Lol yes random! I was actually looking for ideas for a summer job/ price range for apartments when I got off task (this happens too much lol) and I started seeing EVERYTHING Craigslist had to offer.

I found the usual: puppies, sofas, volunteers, etc, blah, blah, blah but I wondered what a MISSED CONNECTION was and upon finding it I think it is a great idea!

One, (unfortunetly) I would never use because thats odd to say the least but I cannot tell you how many times I see an attractive man and think, damn if only I could see him again. And lo and behold if you and he were prolific Craigslisters then maybe you could!

Just go read a few they are semi-entertaining!
Maybe someone posted one for you lol

So yea there ya go random find of the week :)

Sorry

That last post was written when I was semi-drunk

I would delete it but I figure at one point in time I had wanted to post it so I might as well leave it up

even though there are typos and it can be offensive and just a lame read

It happens guys, I'm 21 I do what I want!!



teeheehee