I am sitting here in the Emergency Room ER...

And there is only one person I want to talk to about it...

#learning the hard way that I love him

(Its for my grandma)

Let me apologize for the mini-sabatical I've been on.

Once I got off the plane at home I pretty much took a break from everyone NOT my family or friends from high school.

I guess you could say I am going back to my roots...trying to find out who I am...who I like better the old me or the crazy me.

I deleted my facebook which is normally my preceeding website to this blog which is why I havent posted in a bit...well that and I dont need anyone from my old life reading about this one...

They wouldn't recognize me.

Soooo I am sittin at the airport now.....with 2 hours to kill...the genius that I am doesn't have a book and isn't hungry and doesn't want to give up my prime seat so I am listening to music.

You know what happens when you listen to music for too long?? You start getting reminded of things by songs...too bad 90% of songs are love songs...

What did I get reminded of?
The fact that when I get on this plane everything will be over. He will go back to his fiance (who doesn't have to hold back her feelings for him) and he will get reminded of how much better than me she is.
I never expected anything from him but I also thought I wouldn't get hurt because I wasn't some dumb girl.

When I first started having feelings for him and ended it I should have left it alone...

He wanted to see me before I left but I wouldn't let him...I know I did the right thing.

I know when we both get back things will be different and I'm okay with that.
I just wish these sad songs would stop playing.



(sorry no picture today, I'm at an airport gimme a break! Lol)

HOLY FINALS WEEK

Not sure how many of you are starting finals week but I know I am,

So here is one hot man for you to stare at as you contemplate setting fire to your notes and tearing your brain out

:) Happy studying for all you students

:) Happy Hot Man for all you non-students

win-win haha

Breaking the Cycle

Before you read this scroll down and read the previous post
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

No seriously go read it-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok tell me how THAT situation I just posted about did a complete 180 and now I'm left feeling ...pathetic.....nothing has happened really but this conversation went from hard to great to hopeful to awful (awful for only me).

hate him hate him hate him

lol SHESH when will I ever learn!

I need to smack myself in the face and say "figure your shit out PLEASE!"

I can't imagine how annoying this is for those of you reading all of my posts because I keep posting the same shit
1. love him
2. need to leave him
3. hate him
4. repeat from top

:(

Hardest Night....

At this VERY moment I am burying my feelings for him deep DEEP down inside and ending things.

I can't describe the feeling this is though, which sucks because in a blog you hafta do just that...so I will try.

This may be a dorky analogy but you remember in the movie Mean Girls when Regina's friend talks about how she got some white gold hoop earrings for her birthday and she had to pretend like she didn't like them because Regina told her that hoops were 'her thing?'

Lol well it's kinda like that but worse because I know I am pretending not to be in love with him because I MADE THE MISTAKE. I am not doing it because of some Queen Bee stupid peer pressure reason...I'm doing it because I was the idiot who fell in love with someone who was engaged.

I am doing it because--even though I have not been acting like it lately--I am a good person.

So with each text we exchange he get's the point more and more...and I feel more and more like I am pushing away the only man who has ever cared about me.

The hope for a better "Mr. Right" isn't enough to make me do this, but the promise of "making things right" and following my morals should be enough.

Wish me luck, because he's a fighter and I know if he fights for us long enough......no, no I can't afford to think that way
:(

Got a Case of Love Bipolar

You know that song HOT 'N COLD by Katie Perry?

I am definitely guilty of being that right now lol

But I feel justified because I am not really supposed to be in a relationship with this guy in the first place soooo I think it is just my conscious trying to make things right...when I go cold.

But when I go hot, damn I have some bad thoughts...some homewrecking thoughts and I HATE thinking that way!

It sucks that as of right now I am so afraid of going Hot again that I cannot even respond to his texts...idk what I'm gonna do when our date rolls around :(

Every time I try to stay cold in person he fricken melts me!

Grrr...

except I hope I don't get hot too late when we both are home for the holidays :( that would be ROUGH.

Switch'n it up real quick

Just taking a break from my normal drama to share a good find :)





It sounds like a COMPLETELY different song!...well not really but to listen to Nicki Minaj I have to be in like a certain mood. My blood pressure rises because it is such a fast paced (semi-angry sounding) song!

But this one I can chill out too and actually listen to the story-line :)

Not saying which one is better but I definitely am enjoying this one right meow :)

Sorry bout it honey

If a guy doesn't text/call you for a two weeks and finally does so saying he is in Alaska would you:

A) say "Hey Cool! How is it over there?"

B) say "F*#@ you asshole! You never called!"

C) ask "Why'd you take so long to call?"

D) Make small talk like you are busy and when the conversation allows just stop responding

*Welp I choose option D because I WAIT FOR NO ONE!!




except that one other guy haha but we won't go into that now :)

That little bugga

It's so weird how I can be perfectly happy and content then BAM it hits me that I wanna talk to him...

I am keeping my distance but at the same time I think, should I get closer so he learns to love me and leaves her...or keep myself away and safe...

It's like the little devil and angel on my shoulder

So far the devil has won and the angel is winning

Doesn't make sense right...

And I hate that I want Devil to win this one...

Not looking forward to explaining...

I swear it felt like every conversation I had today centered around cheating...

Ok Ok just two but still that is two conversations where I had to keep quiet and agree :/

The first one was with my sister and the second was with two friends...

My sister was telling me how this guy kept hitting on her who had a gf AND who had gotten with her really good friend...

My teammates were saying how once they hear a guy has a gf they stop talking to him...and how guys try to talk to them when they have bf

Ummhumnum...I don't know if this is a "special situation" or if my head is too far up my ass...at least I'm not the one cheating right?
right?
no still wrong...

Well either way my friends are about to see him around a lot more...and despite me firm refutes that we are just friends...I know they will know better

:/



I have a lot of really close friends and my sisters. I know most of them wouldn't judge me because they know the kind of person I am but I can't even tell any of them :(
I am too shamed

fuck lol Who invented the concept of fate anyways? Because our timing sucked but it feels so easy and so right...UGH UGH

time to turn my brain off sorry if this post was confusing...my brain is confusing right now and I'm just tryin to do it justice haha