I am sitting here in the Emergency Room ER...

And there is only one person I want to talk to about it...

#learning the hard way that I love him

(Its for my grandma)

Let me apologize for the mini-sabatical I've been on.

Once I got off the plane at home I pretty much took a break from everyone NOT my family or friends from high school.

I guess you could say I am going back to my roots...trying to find out who I am...who I like better the old me or the crazy me.

I deleted my facebook which is normally my preceeding website to this blog which is why I havent posted in a bit...well that and I dont need anyone from my old life reading about this one...

They wouldn't recognize me.

Soooo I am sittin at the airport now.....with 2 hours to kill...the genius that I am doesn't have a book and isn't hungry and doesn't want to give up my prime seat so I am listening to music.

You know what happens when you listen to music for too long?? You start getting reminded of things by songs...too bad 90% of songs are love songs...

What did I get reminded of?
The fact that when I get on this plane everything will be over. He will go back to his fiance (who doesn't have to hold back her feelings for him) and he will get reminded of how much better than me she is.
I never expected anything from him but I also thought I wouldn't get hurt because I wasn't some dumb girl.

When I first started having feelings for him and ended it I should have left it alone...

He wanted to see me before I left but I wouldn't let him...I know I did the right thing.

I know when we both get back things will be different and I'm okay with that.
I just wish these sad songs would stop playing.



(sorry no picture today, I'm at an airport gimme a break! Lol)

HOLY FINALS WEEK

Not sure how many of you are starting finals week but I know I am,

So here is one hot man for you to stare at as you contemplate setting fire to your notes and tearing your brain out

:) Happy studying for all you students

:) Happy Hot Man for all you non-students

win-win haha

Breaking the Cycle

Before you read this scroll down and read the previous post
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No seriously go read it-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok tell me how THAT situation I just posted about did a complete 180 and now I'm left feeling ...pathetic.....nothing has happened really but this conversation went from hard to great to hopeful to awful (awful for only me).

hate him hate him hate him

lol SHESH when will I ever learn!

I need to smack myself in the face and say "figure your shit out PLEASE!"

I can't imagine how annoying this is for those of you reading all of my posts because I keep posting the same shit
1. love him
2. need to leave him
3. hate him
4. repeat from top

:(

Hardest Night....

At this VERY moment I am burying my feelings for him deep DEEP down inside and ending things.

I can't describe the feeling this is though, which sucks because in a blog you hafta do just that...so I will try.

This may be a dorky analogy but you remember in the movie Mean Girls when Regina's friend talks about how she got some white gold hoop earrings for her birthday and she had to pretend like she didn't like them because Regina told her that hoops were 'her thing?'

Lol well it's kinda like that but worse because I know I am pretending not to be in love with him because I MADE THE MISTAKE. I am not doing it because of some Queen Bee stupid peer pressure reason...I'm doing it because I was the idiot who fell in love with someone who was engaged.

I am doing it because--even though I have not been acting like it lately--I am a good person.

So with each text we exchange he get's the point more and more...and I feel more and more like I am pushing away the only man who has ever cared about me.

The hope for a better "Mr. Right" isn't enough to make me do this, but the promise of "making things right" and following my morals should be enough.

Wish me luck, because he's a fighter and I know if he fights for us long enough......no, no I can't afford to think that way
:(

Got a Case of Love Bipolar

You know that song HOT 'N COLD by Katie Perry?

I am definitely guilty of being that right now lol

But I feel justified because I am not really supposed to be in a relationship with this guy in the first place soooo I think it is just my conscious trying to make things right...when I go cold.

But when I go hot, damn I have some bad thoughts...some homewrecking thoughts and I HATE thinking that way!

It sucks that as of right now I am so afraid of going Hot again that I cannot even respond to his texts...idk what I'm gonna do when our date rolls around :(

Every time I try to stay cold in person he fricken melts me!

Grrr...

except I hope I don't get hot too late when we both are home for the holidays :( that would be ROUGH.

Switch'n it up real quick

Just taking a break from my normal drama to share a good find :)





It sounds like a COMPLETELY different song!...well not really but to listen to Nicki Minaj I have to be in like a certain mood. My blood pressure rises because it is such a fast paced (semi-angry sounding) song!

But this one I can chill out too and actually listen to the story-line :)

Not saying which one is better but I definitely am enjoying this one right meow :)

Sorry bout it honey

If a guy doesn't text/call you for a two weeks and finally does so saying he is in Alaska would you:

A) say "Hey Cool! How is it over there?"

B) say "F*#@ you asshole! You never called!"

C) ask "Why'd you take so long to call?"

D) Make small talk like you are busy and when the conversation allows just stop responding

*Welp I choose option D because I WAIT FOR NO ONE!!




except that one other guy haha but we won't go into that now :)

That little bugga

It's so weird how I can be perfectly happy and content then BAM it hits me that I wanna talk to him...

I am keeping my distance but at the same time I think, should I get closer so he learns to love me and leaves her...or keep myself away and safe...

It's like the little devil and angel on my shoulder

So far the devil has won and the angel is winning

Doesn't make sense right...

And I hate that I want Devil to win this one...

Not looking forward to explaining...

I swear it felt like every conversation I had today centered around cheating...

Ok Ok just two but still that is two conversations where I had to keep quiet and agree :/

The first one was with my sister and the second was with two friends...

My sister was telling me how this guy kept hitting on her who had a gf AND who had gotten with her really good friend...

My teammates were saying how once they hear a guy has a gf they stop talking to him...and how guys try to talk to them when they have bf

Ummhumnum...I don't know if this is a "special situation" or if my head is too far up my ass...at least I'm not the one cheating right?
right?
no still wrong...

Well either way my friends are about to see him around a lot more...and despite me firm refutes that we are just friends...I know they will know better

:/



I have a lot of really close friends and my sisters. I know most of them wouldn't judge me because they know the kind of person I am but I can't even tell any of them :(
I am too shamed

fuck lol Who invented the concept of fate anyways? Because our timing sucked but it feels so easy and so right...UGH UGH

time to turn my brain off sorry if this post was confusing...my brain is confusing right now and I'm just tryin to do it justice haha

Rubber Heart

So the last time I saw him we decided to trade bracelets because we didn't know the next time we would see each other.

Shitty deal for me lol would you like to know the bracelets we exchanged?

The one that I was wearing: One of those nice "livestrong" type ones but it was for my college
The one that he was wearing: A rubber band.

Hahahaha I know such a lame trade but when I was missing him I was sooo happy to have that dorky rubber band.

Welp I woke up this morning and was walking to school when my wrist started stinging...I got a fricken rash because all my bracelets were tangled in that damn rubber band and were rubbing all night :(

It's gone now but it did make me laugh. It's kinda like how bad he is for me...He is hurting me but I keep him around...I'll push him away until the pain of wanting him overcomes the pain of knowing we will never be officially together
aka I wore the rubber band on my other hand until the rash went away

...then I put it back

Not looking ahead

So I live about a mile away from school and my bike got stolen :(

I am always able to snag a ride home...except today I had a study group so I couldn't!

As I am leaving campus I update my facebook status to something like "I'm walking home alone, in the dark and I'm scared :("

Three minutes later he calls me :)

He tells me he will keep me company bc I am scared.

I know we can never be.
I just told him I'm going to Europe
He told me by the time I get back he will be gone

But for now I'm okay with whatever this is.

It's kinda like when kids catch fireflies in jars

They are so happy when they do because they've watched and wanted one for so long.

Some try to hold on too long to it
Others know it cannot and should not last so when the time comes they let it go.

Holding onto it for too long will kill it
In the jar...it cannot survive

Didn't want to lose the friendship...smart move or not?

You guys ever watched the music video for "We found love" by Rihanna?

It is epic just FYI but that's not why I am posting.

In the very beginning when there is a voice talking she says,
"...Sometimes you almost wish you could have all that bad stuff back so you can get the good..."

(I think I paraphrased a bit but you can look it up)
Yes well I know that feeling WAY too well right now.
Annnd I did go ahead and welcome all the bad stuff back...along with the good.

But you know what? I think I did it because this guy truly is one of my best friends and I wanted to text him and talk to him like I would my best friend but I couldn't...so I think that is a contributing factor to my shit-show-of-a-situation.

The friend-zone is real btw.

Friendship > love....but if this friendship comes with unrequited love is it worth it?

I vote yes :/





for now...

Thank You Kate Vogel

Who doesn't love finding a song that fits her mood or situation perfectly? :)




"Forever And Almost Always"

So the story goes on down
The less traveled road
It's a variation on
The one I was told
And although it's not the same
It's awful close, yeah

In an ordinary fairy tale land
There's a promise of a perfect happy end
And I imagine having just short of that
Is better than nothing

So you'll be mine
Forever and almost always
And I'll be fine
Just love me when you can
And I'll wait patiently
I'll wake up every day
Just hoping that you still care

In the corner of my mind I know too well
Oh that surely even I deserve the best
But instead of leaving
I just put the issue to bed
And outta my head

Oh and just when I believe
You've changed for good
Well you go and prove me wrong
Just like I knew you would

When I run out of second chances
You give me that look
And you're off the hook

Because you're mine
Forever and almost always
And I'm fine
Just love me when you can
And I'll wait patiently
I'll wake up every day
Just hoping that you still care

Oh, what am I still doing here?
Oh, it's all becoming so clear

You'll be mine
Forever and almost always
It ain't right to just love me when you can
Oh I won't wait patiently
Or wake up everyday
Just hoping that you'll still care

Forever and almost always
No it ain't right
To just love me when you can, baby
Ain't gonna wait patiently
I won't wake up everyday
Just hoping that you still care

I was ment to tread the water...but now I've gotten in too deep

Thank you to everyone who has commented about finding someone new and moving on...you all are too right :)

Something totally random happened today and honestly once I type it out it will probably sound very verrrrry dumb but I am kinda procrastinating studying right now so I am going to go ahead and do it lol

I have this two-finger ring that my friend gave me and it is very VERY snug, like a size or two small haha but I love it so I am wearing it

I took it off while I was flipping through my book and when I put it back on while I walked to the bathroom it got stuck (lol like REALLY STUCK)

It doesn't help that I got this ring the last time I saw the guy I've been posting about so whenever I look at it I see him...

But while I was tugging at it to come off I start thinking it is like him hold on me, as much as I do not want it on me IT WON'T COME OFF!! I had a tiny silent freak-out while I tried to pull it off but it was like literally cemented to my finger!

I finish my business (lol sorry just part of the story) and I go to wash my hands and the ring slides off like it was 3 sizes too big :)

This made me smile because no matter how hopeless I feel and like I will never get someone off my mind or something off my finger...it will come off easier than expected

When I find someone better

or water :)

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Ok I came back to edit this post because I started fooling around with the ring again and got it stuck...but had no water...so yanking it off took WAAAY longer and was VERY painful...

Same as letting go of him.
Since I have no one else (water) it will be harder to let him go and more painful but I have to do it to protect myself from further harm
(my finger was losing feeling!!)

I SWEAR I am not some pscho haha everyone facebook creeps!

Sorry that my last like 3 or 4 posts have been super heartbroken and depressing...

I swear a brighter post is coming!

But I just decided to share this because none of you followers know me annnd I am kinda embarrassed to say this lol

The fucker that I am falling for who is engaged...I just totally facebook creeped the shit outta both of them and found her myspace (ya myspace hella old right I know but her facebook was private obvs)

After being totally loser-ish and looking up on her I (and I am saying this as modestly as possible) am better looking than her.

HOLD UP: just to clarify I never think of myself as pretty. I just always think I am a tad below average but nothing gross..most days haha

And I feel bad about this because it means I am saying that she isn't pretty but I really am not trying to tear her down...

I have been tearing myself down for the past month thinking she was better than me at everything which was why he was with her and I was his backup plan...

Just knowing (in my opinion) that I have something over her is nice.
It may just help me sleep better at night while knowing he's thinking of her not me...

Don't waste your time waiting one someone who wouldn't wait for you...

It figures...it's rainy and stormy and all everyone wants to do is stay inside snuggle up in a big blanket and watch movies...

aka cuddling weather...

aka both my besties have an invite places to go...and I have...a list of sad songs playing on my computer and possibly a movie...

There is one movie that I think will match my mood pretty well but I haven't seen it yet.

I'll post the trailer and maybe you guys will get a better grasp on how much I dislike the guy I love....
Except for the no flirting rule...
And the part about the guy loving me back lol
But the last line about her making him decent and him making her SO happy...pretty much sums it all up.

ugh, WHY CAN'T I LISTEN TO MYSELF?

Let go of Mr. Wrong so Mr. Right can find you...even if Mr. Wrong is Mr. Right for someone else

I envy the people in this video. They knew what their mistake was and when they went back to change it the other person excitedly accepted them.

While watching it I was feeling the same way as the first girl, walking away from the man I love...but the difference was when she turned back around for him, they could be together.

I CANNOT be with my guy. That's why I walked away...I don't know why I keep walking back :(

And another thing...I am sure these people in the video were nice people...
He can't be a nice guy...
...to do what he has been doing to me...and his fiance.

Rock & a Hard Place

Hi...so last night (or day)there was a punk marathon from 3pm till 1am...we got a day-fade going and went...

You know who texts me and I give him attitude for pretty much no reason other than I am mad myself for liking him so damn much...

Hopefully I scared him off and he won't come back, which is what I WANT but am NEVER able to actually make happen because of my feelings for him...

If he does end up coming back after the attitude I gave him then I may have even an bigger problem...I might like him more :(

FML