I am sitting here in the Emergency Room ER...

And there is only one person I want to talk to about it...

#learning the hard way that I love him

(Its for my grandma)

Let me apologize for the mini-sabatical I've been on.

Once I got off the plane at home I pretty much took a break from everyone NOT my family or friends from high school.

I guess you could say I am going back to my roots...trying to find out who I am...who I like better the old me or the crazy me.

I deleted my facebook which is normally my preceeding website to this blog which is why I havent posted in a bit...well that and I dont need anyone from my old life reading about this one...

They wouldn't recognize me.

Soooo I am sittin at the airport now.....with 2 hours to kill...the genius that I am doesn't have a book and isn't hungry and doesn't want to give up my prime seat so I am listening to music.

You know what happens when you listen to music for too long?? You start getting reminded of things by songs...too bad 90% of songs are love songs...

What did I get reminded of?
The fact that when I get on this plane everything will be over. He will go back to his fiance (who doesn't have to hold back her feelings for him) and he will get reminded of how much better than me she is.
I never expected anything from him but I also thought I wouldn't get hurt because I wasn't some dumb girl.

When I first started having feelings for him and ended it I should have left it alone...

He wanted to see me before I left but I wouldn't let him...I know I did the right thing.

I know when we both get back things will be different and I'm okay with that.
I just wish these sad songs would stop playing.



(sorry no picture today, I'm at an airport gimme a break! Lol)

HOLY FINALS WEEK

Not sure how many of you are starting finals week but I know I am,

So here is one hot man for you to stare at as you contemplate setting fire to your notes and tearing your brain out

:) Happy studying for all you students

:) Happy Hot Man for all you non-students

win-win haha

Breaking the Cycle

Before you read this scroll down and read the previous post
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No seriously go read it-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ok tell me how THAT situation I just posted about did a complete 180 and now I'm left feeling ...pathetic.....nothing has happened really but this conversation went from hard to great to hopeful to awful (awful for only me).

hate him hate him hate him

lol SHESH when will I ever learn!

I need to smack myself in the face and say "figure your shit out PLEASE!"

I can't imagine how annoying this is for those of you reading all of my posts because I keep posting the same shit
1. love him
2. need to leave him
3. hate him
4. repeat from top

:(

Hardest Night....

At this VERY moment I am burying my feelings for him deep DEEP down inside and ending things.

I can't describe the feeling this is though, which sucks because in a blog you hafta do just that...so I will try.

This may be a dorky analogy but you remember in the movie Mean Girls when Regina's friend talks about how she got some white gold hoop earrings for her birthday and she had to pretend like she didn't like them because Regina told her that hoops were 'her thing?'

Lol well it's kinda like that but worse because I know I am pretending not to be in love with him because I MADE THE MISTAKE. I am not doing it because of some Queen Bee stupid peer pressure reason...I'm doing it because I was the idiot who fell in love with someone who was engaged.

I am doing it because--even though I have not been acting like it lately--I am a good person.

So with each text we exchange he get's the point more and more...and I feel more and more like I am pushing away the only man who has ever cared about me.

The hope for a better "Mr. Right" isn't enough to make me do this, but the promise of "making things right" and following my morals should be enough.

Wish me luck, because he's a fighter and I know if he fights for us long enough......no, no I can't afford to think that way
:(

Got a Case of Love Bipolar

You know that song HOT 'N COLD by Katie Perry?

I am definitely guilty of being that right now lol

But I feel justified because I am not really supposed to be in a relationship with this guy in the first place soooo I think it is just my conscious trying to make things right...when I go cold.

But when I go hot, damn I have some bad thoughts...some homewrecking thoughts and I HATE thinking that way!

It sucks that as of right now I am so afraid of going Hot again that I cannot even respond to his texts...idk what I'm gonna do when our date rolls around :(

Every time I try to stay cold in person he fricken melts me!

Grrr...

except I hope I don't get hot too late when we both are home for the holidays :( that would be ROUGH.